Society tends to place men into two “opposing” camps; the nice guys and the assholes. Bipartisanship is impossible. By not being a nice guy, you’re all of a sudden an asshole? It doesn’t click.
So-called nice guys are a myth. They have two things in common; their need of acceptance and their avoidance of accountability.
Nice guys are commonly seen trying to please everybody, an inherently flawed undertaking. The implication is a dire need for approval from external sources. The ability to say no or express one’s opinion in a social context requires internal validation. By being overtly pleasing, some men are sacrificing their sense of self to gain acceptance and taking on the “nice” label to cover it up.
I’ve also heard many nice guys say they’re not accepted for who they are. They then turn around and adopt a generic do-everything-right-by-everyone persona. You can spot these guys a mile away. Instead of being themselves, they buy into a societal meme of what a man should be and ironically become one of many.
Whenever I hear that nice guys don’t get this or nice guys don’t get that, it sounds like a copout from owning up to one’s actions. Rather than going through a brief process of self-evaluation, some men use the misnomer as a scapegoat. It’s more manly to be accountable for your behavior and learn from it than to shirk responsibility.
If your current strategy for achieving your goals isn’t working, adopt a new one. Just because the term “nice” is used doesn’t necessarily make you a nice guy. Men, women, whomever are only pigeonholed by these kinds of labels. Finding out who you are is much more challenging. Expressing it freely much more rewarding.
Manliness is doing what’s necessary in the moment. As an overall disclaimer, using the word “manliness” depends very much on the culture. In America, a generally paternalistic culture, manliness is simply the word of choice to describe taking charge, responsibility, doing what’s necessary. In a maternalistic or female-driven culture, the word may be something else, but the essence still remains the same.
Manliness may be what’s necessary, but isn’t necessarily what’s right. When your buddies (or girlfriends) egg you on to chug a beer, it doesn’t make it right but it certainly is considered manly. When you take on a dare to ask a girl (or guy) out, again it may not be what’s right, but it fits the definition. Another example would be saving someone from danger while putting yourself in harm’s way. Same thing; not smart, but gutsy in most books.
That’s how I believe manliness is defined today, but it’s slowly taking on a different mold and starting to encompass more “right” scenarios. Men who stay home for example because their wife brings in a higher salary, a couple sharing housework, drinking responsibly (even joining AA), saying no to life-threatening activities like jumping off a 45-ft cliff into the water just for kicks. Does this make life a little boorish and manliness less, well, manly? Yes. But it balances the scales for men who aren’t guy’s guys. There are other ways to be manly now.
Doing what’s necessary changes with time anyway. As a culture adapts to take on a new image with advanced technology, workforce equality and acceptance of a diversity of lifestyles, so do the epithets used to “separate the men from the boys,” for lack of a better phrase. Stepping up to the plate depends completely on current context and where you are in the world.
Knowing what your culture requires can either empower you to become “manly”, motivate you to reshape the definition, or ignore it altogether and just be yourself.